My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
