hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
