When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
