well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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