It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
