The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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