So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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