You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
