Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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