you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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