ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
