I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
