Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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