You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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