So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
