Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
