marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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