she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
