well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
