So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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