did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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