The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
