Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
