No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
