Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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