A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
