Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
