Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
