fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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