yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
