After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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