nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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