I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
