i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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