sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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