Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
