sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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