we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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