so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
