im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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