There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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