Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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