I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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