I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
