okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
