ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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