Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
