yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
