I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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