Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
